Friday, January 15, 2010

Fear and Trembling

I'm feeling alternately excited and fearful at the thought of interning on a farm. When I feel uncertain I try to re-examine my reasons for wanting to do this. What is it that I want to change in how I live my life, and what is it that I want to aspire to. Once re-think my rationale I once again feel certain about my plans.

When I first suggested to Deborah the idea of interning on a farm, I was only half sure myself. I didn't expect her response.

"Well Peter, this is probably the best time to go and do this."

"What? Nooooo."

She wasn't supposed to be so agreeable, bless her heart. She called my bluff. I called my bluff. The wheels have begun to turn, despite my fear. To keep them turning, for this to not be a mere passing whimsy, I've started on the steps required to get accepted on a farm. The process has turned into a vortex. The further I descend, the harder it will be to turn back, no matter how doubtful I feel.

I like projects, and visiting several prospective farms is a project in itself. I haven't thought too much about the objective: that I may actually live on one of these farms for at least six months. One day soon I'll stop telling my friends and family that "I'm planning to intern on a farm," Instead I"ll them, "I'm going to intern on a farm." But which farm?